When is OK to not be OK?

We go through our day meeting and greeting people and asking and answering the same ol’ ?uestion “How are you doing?” “I’m good” , “Fine” , “Alright”, “Ok” are some popular responses… They don’t say or mean much but suffice for most conversations…. But almost half the time we’re NOT good, NOT fine, and NOT alright.. So when do we get to say it, express it and mean it?

 Today, I am not OK. I just got back from a counseling session with my husband. It was our first in a year and 1st since I returned from my escape. Sometimes I really hate being a faithful, supportive wife and mother.

(Sidebar FYI) 
My husband works 60 hours a week and I gone most times on travel out of state. I made the decision to leave my full time job and work a part-time and start growing my web design business from home.
This allowed a couple things:
1. Me to spend more time with the children
2. Not have to worry about waking up extra early to drop the children off before work (1st daycare, then school)
3. Not have to rush to leave work to pick children up from daycare and school
4. Not have to deal with tension and nasty people at work (I hated them)
(End Sidebar)

Being supportive and faithful translated to putting his needs in front of my own or that our family life revolved around him and his work schedule. If I was ever confused about what it feels like to be a single mother, I’m not anymore. But all the while, you think you’re doing the right thing by understanding that the your husband makes more money than you so make sacrifices and stand by what ever his job requires… weeks away, trips to other countries, his unavailability by phone, the irritability, the work fatigue, the absence that feels like neglect.

I’m working on not feeling sorry for myself and feeling like a powerless victim. It’s taking time and effort and I’m getting there because I’m blogging, doing therapy, and given up feeling guilty about not sacrificing every breath of energy and ounce of time to others.

 Anyway, at counseling I didn’t like a lot of what my husband said. But its therapy for him too so, I guess I need to let him heal and not judge him. And let me just say… he just doesn’t get it.

My counselor asked, “Do you want to fight for your marriage?” How am I supposed to answer that? It’s a pretty loaded question especially if you’re hurting in your marriage. No one wants to keep getting hurt, but its the prospect of pleasure that keeps us in the game… (there’s that optimism again rearing its ugly head).

I answered “Yes” but I kept my conditional statement to myself. My husband did not respond and the therapist questioned him further down to a “I don’t know”….

What the hell amd I supposed to do with “I don’t know”…?

Sleepless in LA

So, I’m here in LA visiting dear hubby. LA is the current destination that has job has him flying off to 5-6 days out of the week. He asked if I could fly the children out from Atlanta to LA so the family could spend some time together, I cautiously accepted. (will I ever learn?)

I proceeded to plan on Wed for a Thur evening departure of myself, 7yr old daughter, 3 yr old son, and 1 and half yr old, in the middle of my work week no less! What’s wrong with me? My husband and I are barely speaking. Why did I say yes? Well couple of reasons:

 - Never saw LA before
 - The children were running me dog tired since they were home from daycare that week
 - I had some hope that the trip might be good for my marriage
 - Staying in a hotel and not having to good or clean is very appealling to this mother of  3 little ones

Last night we drove to Hollywood through Beverly Hills to see all the shallow and pretentious side of life. It was great! While I enjoyed driving down Sunset Blvd and the bright lights and huge signs, there’s a definite chance I would grow ill from the abundance of billboards of pretty people selling gucci, diamonds, and movies.

I saw the Hollywood sign which was nice. It was night time and it was not illuminated but I was able to make it out.

So now today is the last day of the 5 day trip and I can’t help thinking. What happens next?…

What are your wishes and goals?…

1. So, I can’t resist talking about my goals and wishes for this year. Even though I don’t believe change happens overnight, I do believe change happens so why not write down what you want and start the journey to manifest reality. I want….
2. To communicate positively with my husband.
3. To feel loved and supported by the man i’ve married. 
4. To have a loving and supportive environment in my home.
5. To have time to learn, think, and grown, in solitude.
6. To have peace in my heart and everyday life
7. To have support of friends and family.
8. To succeed in my consulting business and be able to support myself and my children.
9. To be healthy and happy.

After I wrote the above list, I didn’t feel as connected and passionate about it as I think I should. And then I thought of the what a REALLY want, NOT the watered-down, publicly acceptable and politically correct wants….  So here is the list of What I Realy Want…

1. For my husband Martin to call me and apologize for not calling me for so long and especially not getting on the phone after I asked for him.
2. For Martin to say he realizes and understands what I’m going through and he feels horrible about how he hasn’t been supportive and loving.
3. I want Martin to ask me to come back because he misses me and the children are asking about me. And our friends are asking and he’s embarassed and sad and guilty that he drove me away.
4. I want Martin to look inside himself and see how he’s been neglectful of me as a loving wife. I want him to feel lucky that he hasn’t lost me completely.
5. I want Martin to look at how he will change his life so he can be the husband I want and need and the father his children want and need.
6. I want Martin to be appreciative of our life and the sacrifice that he and I make. And for him to do dishes, vacuum the house, take out the trash, and cook sometimes.

At least this is what I’ll tell my therapist when I see him again.

What is my sad story?

I’m in a sad and unfulfilling marriage.  I have 3 children and my husband is never around to help me raise or take care of the children because his job needs him to travel out of state and out of country alot.  My marriage is strained because of his absence and I operate mostly like a single woman, raising 3 children on her own.

I have 2 boys and a girl. The girl is 7 and the boys are 3 and 1 n half.  Our life is very busy because of the hustle and bustle that comes with children in elementary and daycare and pullups and diapers. While doing it all by myself is very possible, I didn’t get married to do it all by myself. I have a day job and i’m lucky to be able to work from home but most of the time i’m lonely and wish I had a man. I’m sexually frustrated because my husband and I don’t have sex and I’m overwhelmed and tired from never having a break from the children.

So a little back history. I graduated from college from a good school and got married the same year of graduation. Husband already had a 2yr daughter from a previous relationship and she came to live with us after we were married. I was immediately a parent and married at once. We struggled to find decent salaries and then decided we wanted a baby of our own. We tried and got pregnant with our first boy. But instead of being happy and welcoming our new addition, my husband and I fought over housework and time.  My not so darling husband had an affair claiming that I was no longer showing love or meeting his needs. I asked him to leave, we were separated for a while and then in therapy working on our relationship. He moved back in and we continued to work… Another baby is created and born 2 years later. Money is increasingly tight and finances become the cause of arguments, negative assumptions and tense periods in our marriage.

Between working on these issues and staying committed to achieving goals in higher salaries, creating a business, and then comes trying to understand and support a husband who is never home…. pushed me to the edge. I could no longer bear the site of my husband, the sound of his voice, or the scent of his skin, yet I still loved my children they too have depleted me of my energy to keep up the circus act. I left in the husband, family, children and went to take some time away to heal from the situation that was killing me softly.

Today I blog from a desk in my old house, planning out how to get back to my life and how to change it….

Happy New Year or is it?

It’s Jan 1st and the beginning of another year but exactly how new is it. People say was all your clothes so you don’t bring old laundry into the new year, make resolutions to change areas of your life, blah blah and all that. For me nothing has changed but the date.

 All the problems I had yesterday are still hear and will probably be hear for awhile because problems unfortunately don’t really care that its Jan. 1. So what’s good?? at least nothing worse has happened recently.

To blog or not to blog

…to blog. Yes that is what is to be. Yet another blog to enter the cyber world, but this blog is different (wink wink) Maybe I’ll leave that to the reader’s discretion.  Moving right along, I made the choice to blog because its more socially acceptable than screaming my issues from the tallest building I can find and alot more fun than my voice going hoarse from daily screams.

First off, my name is Harmony and because that name was taken I came to be called Harmon1.

Second, I actually got the idea to blog from a very close friend of mine and her courageous decision to begin blog self-therapy inspired me to dare to bare.  There’s no going back and I hope this is a wonderful experience for all involved.

So.. a little about me. I’m a 27 yr old woman, married, mother of 3, IT professional, living in Hotlanta.  I’m mostly unhappy and on a heroes quest to create and find enough daily happiness so as to overpower the powers of sad.  The source of my angst is mostly my marriage because my husband is intolerable so much of the time. And while I continue my latest crusade to empower and uplift myself through positive thinking and calling upon the secret forces of the “laws of attraction” I am torn in this very blog between being brutally honest and bad mouthing everyone and thing that is causing issues in my life or being a bright and positive sun beam agent for wanted change.

 Maybe I can do both? Maybe I start out with a wild tangent and say everything I’ve ever wanted to say just to get it out then……comes harmony sunbeam. Lame!! anyway this is it for post one, keep reading it will get better.